By Susan Mitchell

This is a nearly impossible article to write from one perspective. It's like one spouse defining how a marriage should work. By definition, a marriage relationship takes two. By definition, a nanny-family realtionship takes three, four or maybe more. I also believe, like marriages, nanny-family relationships are all unique. Therefore, I can share only why our family's relationship works so well with our nanny and hope that it helps out others. I say that, not to be presumptuous, but merely to be hopeful that other families can share the care of their children with the love, joy, humor and mutual respect that defines our relationship with our nanny.

Our nickname for our nanny is "The Woman Without Whom Our Lives Would Not Work". It may not be a nickname that would look cute embroidered on a pillow, but it is highly descriptive. I cannot imagine my life without her. Our family life is not only simplified, but actually enriched by her.

When I consider the (really very few) elements of my life that are essential, I consider further how I should treat them. This thinking process pretty much defines how we try to treat our nanny.

We begin with respect. Assuming we have enough confidence in an individual to entrust our children to her care, we must then accord her the very same level of respect that we accord ourselves. This translates to some basic things. We appreciate the professionalism she brings to her work. We try to be on time. Our nanny is not only, but also a caregiver. One of the reasons she is so good at what she does, and thus such a positive influence in our children's lives, is that she has a wide circle of interests and friends. Just like our work outside our home, our interests and our friends nourish my husband and me, such things nourish our nanny. A nourished grown-up has a lot more to give a child. We respect our nanny's need for this and are genuinely interested in supporting her whole life, not just the hours she guards our girls.

We talk, we don't tell. Our nanny is not just our employee but our partner in running our life, and most importantly, raising our children. As an example, schedules change on a nearly hourly basis in our lives. We plan our calendars with our nanny but stay in constant contact about what changes come up for the girls, for my husband or me or our nanny. We're all in this together and work hard to make sure we're all where we need to be when we need to be there.

We're clear about our roles. We are the parents; our nanny is the nanny. Those roles, while highly complementary are discrete. We present to our childen a united team of grown ups whose top concern is their welfare. We are consistent with our discipline, with our daily rituals, with our expectations and with our praise. We don't undermine or second guess each other.

We celebrate. Birthdays, holidays, occasional mid-week dinners. We try to acknowledge important occasions and include each other in them. Part of celebrating is telling each other often how much we appreciate what the other does. One of the sweetest celebrations we have shared thus far was the birth of our second child. I will always treasure the knowledge that our nanny first held our child when she was only hours old.

We're friends. When our relationship began three years ago I never would have predicted that, in addition to having a wonderful person caring for my children, I would have a new friend. Yet, when people have as much in common as we do--a mutual passion about children--it is understandable that a friendship would form. One of the little rituals we share is watching ER together as often as we can. It's a chance for us to share some relaxed time. We ogle Dr. Ross and John Carter (I will admit my husband is rarely there!) and catch each other up on our week, our weekend plans and the development of "our" children.

In addition to all I've mentioned, there is an undeniable element of luck behind our partnership. Our nanny is a remarkable woman by any measure. We are, I think, mutually blessed to share our lives. When it comes to the care of our children, I cannot imagine a better situation.

Reprinted from "Southern Nanny", a publication of the Professional Nanny Association of Atlanta, with the permission of the author.

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